Want vs Should Want

I never realized how often I said “should” until a friend pointed it out. We were at a sidewalk cafe having a conversation about life decisions. It was the kind of mini counseling session uniquely suited for long-time friends who’ve seen each other through break-ups, professional ups and downs, and three-martini nights.

“The question isn’t what you ‘should’ want, but what do you actually want, Jeff.”

His comment seemed esoteric at the time. But I observed my language and thoughts afterwards and realized he was right. I was much more in touch with what I should want than with what I actually want. And yet I considered myself so independent and free… ha!

This set me off on a journey not unlike Jim Carrey in “Yes Man.” What do I really want? Do I really want to go out Friday night or just be a homebody and order pizza? Do I really want to build a billion-dollar company or a highly profitable lifestyle business. What do I really want?

Jung would point to this as an exercise in individuation, the process of forming and evolving one’s distinct sense of self.

I now notice when others make excessive use of “should.” I should go to grad school because blah blah blah. I should settle down and have kids because blah blah blah. I should work 80 hours a week because blah blah blah.

To them I say: That’s great, but what do you really want?

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