Two Easy Messaging Tips For Difficult Conversations
At a certain point in the development of my first business, I realized that my personal development was a limiting factor on the company’s growth. I wanted to stay ahead of that. So when I met Jeff Ward at a holiday party and he said he did coaching, I seized the opportunity. Maybe it was the spiked egg nog, I don’t know.
I learned a lot from Jeff over my two years of coaching.* Two messaging tips he taught me have been particularly helpful. They’ve spared me a ton of drama in both my work and personal life.
The first is super-easy. Just ask:
I notice you [blank]. Help me understand….
Those three words help me understand are magical. They’re magical because they force you to seek understanding before reacting. It’s like saying Wait, before I get angry let’s understand what’s really going on. The result, for me, is that I’m much less reactive than I used to be. It puts into practice my favorite Covey tenet: Seek first to understand, then be understood.
The second messaging tip Jeff and I refer to as the “intent-impact” line:
I realize your intent was to [something positive], but the impact it had on me was to make me feel ________________.
or conversely, if you’ve stepped on some toes…
My intent was to [something positive], but I can see that the impact it had was to make you feel ________________.
The trick here is to assume positive intent and separate the intent of the behavior from its impact. You’re acknowledging what is most likely to be true, that the other person really did mean well. This messaging works like magic because it diffuses any sense of defensiveness or blame.
At the same time, you’re communicating the impact the behavior is having on you. You’re not bottling it up and being passive-aggressive (which is the worst). You’re addressing it head on.
The next time you’re facing a tricky interpersonal situation, take a deep breath and assume you both have positive intentions. Then use these magical messaging tips. They really work.
- Now Jeff and I are good friends. He’s building a fun business, and when we meet for lunch we take turns coaching each other!
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